For this particular comic, instead of "recreating" it, I decided to explore "backstory" by physically writing the boy in the comic's report about Abraham Lincoln. Filled with intentional spelling errors and loads of false information, the report I wrote ends with the events in the comic--bringing it all full circle. Needless to say, I didn't win the contest or any of the runner-up prizes, but I thought I'd share the biography with everyone anyway. Enjoy!
Abraham Lincoln: A Short Biography
by Timmy Thompson
Abraham Lincoln was born a one room log cabin on February 12th, 1809. Though he was given no middle name at birth, he would later tell people his middle name was “The Bonecrusher.” In 1816, Lincoln’s family lost all of their money and land to a traveling circus. In order to support his family, Lincoln joined a semi-pro wrestling circuit. It was during his time wrestling that he took on the stage name “Honest Abe.” Wearing nothing but a top hat and overalls, Lincoln held this position for five years. However, tragedy struck when an accident in the ring caused his top hat to be permanently fused with his head. It was then that Lincoln drew inspiration from his idle, Jesse Ventura, and decided to go into politics.
In 1834, Lincoln won an election to the Illinois state legislature. He was given a Whig, but knowing he could never remove his top hat, ran a bisexual campaign instead. Lincoln was also a self taught lawyer, and was opened a bar in 1837. It was at this bar that he met his wife, Bloody Mary. The two got hitched and had some children, but a few of them died of typhoid fever when they forded the Mississippi River on a family trip to Oregon. Though he did a few things here and there, his big break wasn’t until the 1860 presidential election.
On November 6th, 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected as the 16th President of America. Unfortunately, his year long celebration party was interrupted when a war broke out in 1861. This was the Civil War, which was a result of multiple states succeeding from the Union and becoming their own country. On November 19th, 1863 he gave the Gettysburg Address. In this speech, Lincoln declared that all those who died in the battle would be resurrected by witchcraft to fight against the Confederacy, an act that he claimed would “ensure a government would not allow its people to perish.”
Eventually, the war was won, and Lincoln undertook the job of personally reconstructing the South. He patented a new form of super-wood called “Lincoln Logs,” and the South was rebuilt by his own hands within a few weeks. However, Lincoln would unfortunately never see the creation of his theme park, “Lincolnopolis.”
On one fateful night, Lincoln and his wife Mary got into their newly purchased Ford and headed off to the theatre to see ZZ Top in concert. During the fourth song in their set, a thunderous roaring was heard by everyone as John Wilkes Booth (a supporter of the South) rode in on a giant T-Rex. With a broad sword in hand, Booth shouted “Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus!” Upon this verbal command, the well trained T-Rex grabbed Lincoln with its piercing jaws and began to devour him. Knowing his end was well at hand, Lincoln made a dying wish to free the slaves. This dying wish was immediately granted by Congress.
Today, we see Lincoln’s face on certain kinds of money, though in most cases his picture has been Photoshopped to remove the top hat (as money is too small to fit the hat in). Overall, Lincoln was a really swell guy, and without him history would surely be much different than my report.
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