Originally written as my final short story for a college class, "CANDY LAND" is one part children's board game and one part Frank Miller's "Sin City." Now a cult hit among many of my friends, I'm presenting the story for the first time ever on this blog. So, without further adieu, I present "CANDY LAND."
WARNING: The following contains violence, sexual themes, drug use, and language. MATURE READERS ONLY.CANDY LAND
If you think you know about Candy Land, then it’s time you learned the hard truth. I’ve lived in this shithole my whole life, and it just doesn’t get any better. If you’re a gingerbread person like me, then you get to experience a whole new level of the place that most don’t. Know why? It’s because us gingerbread men are relegated to the law enforcement jobs, forcing us to deal with and clean up this lowly cesspool. And as of nine hours ago, this place got a whole helluva lot worse. Queen Frostine’s dead corpse was found in Peppermint Forest, and given the history of that scumbag Mr. Mint, he was exactly where my investigation began.
One Hour After Frostine’s Body Found
Mr. Mint’s Story
Peppermint Forest, where all the worst scum for hire in Candy Land live. The worst of them all is Mr. Mint. The guy had been an active assassin for twenty years of his life, and he was only thirty-five. Just goes to show how cold the bastard is. However, word on the street was that Mr. Mint retired after his mother fell ill. So maybe he wasn’t as cold as he outwardly seemed. Still, he was the top assassin in the game, and Frostine’s body was found in his woods. The connection just seemed logical, so I visited his house. He was home, and much to my surprise, he had no qualms with sitting down and having a talk with me.
“So, Mint, whaddya know about Frostine’s death?” I asked.
“Nadda chief. I haven’t been in the biz for years now, not since my mother started to expire.” he replied.
“C’mon Mint, you were once the head honcho of assassins in this district, you gotta know somethin’.”
“I’m tellin’ ya, Gingy, this one’s got no connection with me. I’ve tried to lead a normal life for these past few years, and that includes keeping my hands out of all the sketchy going-ons in this land.”
I didn’t want to believe him, considering I didn’t like the piece of shit. But, throughout my history on the force, I’ve always been a good judge of when someone’s telling the truth or not. And like it or not, Mint wasn’t lying.
“Sorry I couldn’t help ya, Gingy. Why don’t you go see the Candy Trio? They’ve always got their hands in everything, so it wouldn’t shock me if they knew something.”
“I just might have to do that, Mint. You take care of your mother, now, ya hear?”
We gave each other a nod and that was that. Mr. Mint knew nothing, and I knew as much as I knew an hour ago. I figured I’d take Mr. Mint’s advice, so it was off to see the Candy Trio.
Two Hours After Frostine’s Body Found
The Candy Trio’s Story
Plumpy, Gloppy, and Jolly. Individually they were nothings. Together, they were the Candy Trio. They ran a comedy club near Gumdrop Pass, and just about everyone in the whole land had seen their act one time or another. Due to their popularity, their club was also a hotspot for shady meetings. Chances are they’d overheard something, and that something was what I was going to figure out. As I entered the club a thick cloud of cinnamon smoke fogged up the air, making my nostrils tingle. I headed towards the back where the three of them would surely be.
“Gingy!” yelled Gloppy. “How you been?”
“Could be worse.” I replied. “I’m sure you guys have heard about Frostine?”
“Tragic.” said Plumpy.
“Yeah, it is. So, you guys know anything about it?”
“Us?” asked Jolly. “We’re just a group of comedians. How could we possib-”
“Don’t bullshit me Jolly,” I cut in, “I know about all the meetings and get togethers that go on here. Now, you may not be part of them, but somebody in here must have heard something about something, so you better be blunt with me. Otherwise I won’t hesitate to shut this place down.”
“Alright, alright.” replied Jolly. “But we don’t know much.”
“How much is much?”
“Well, we don’t know who did it, or why.” said Gloppy.
“What the hell do you know, then?”
Gloppy then got real close to me, ready to tell me a secret that he didn’t want anybody else to know. A secret that would make this case a whole lot more interesting and deep-rooted than it already was.
“Word on the street is…” said Gloppy, “Queen Frostine had been, ahem, secretly fornicating with Lord Licorice.”
“You’re shitting me, right?” I replied. “There’s no way that…”
“Hey man, it’s just what we’ve heard around the joint.” replied Plumpy. “Take it however you will, but it sounds like the clean Queen Frostine wasn’t as pristine as we had all deemed her. In fact, sounds like she was quite the slut.”
“Must be where her daughter gets it.” said Jolly.
“Well then, I think I know who I need to see next. Thanks for all the info guys, it’s been a pleasure as always.”
With that, I left the three of them to go about their business, and headed off to Licorice Castle. It was time to pay “The Lord” a visit.
Four Hours After Frostine’s Body Found
Lord Licorice’s Story
Everybody in Candy Land knew and feared the relationship between King Kandy and Lord Licorice. Once great friends and allies, the two eventually parted ways over some big issue. Nobody in the land ever really knew what the issue was, but they knew the rivalry between the two was an intense one. Together, their corruption of the government with crime and lies was bad enough, but when they split, the crime and lies increased ten-fold. Their split is the reason Candy Land is what it is today. Now, from what the Candy Trio told me, it seems that Lord Licorice took the rivalry to a whole new level by bumpin’ nasties with the Queen herself. This story just wasn’t getting any better. I got to Licorice Castle, and there was Lord Licorice, right at the entrance waiting for me.
“Why hello, Gingy.” he said. “You don’t disappoint, do you?”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“The Candy Trio is in my pocket, Gingy. They told me you were on your way.”
“Well apparently you’re not paying them well enough, Lord, because they spilled the beans on your relations with the recently deceased.”
“Shit happens Gingy.” he replied. “The beans were destined to be spilled someday.”
“So you know then that I need to question you about her death, right?”
“Sure sure. Why don’t we go inside for this one though?”
I followed Licorice inside, not really knowing what to expect. Not many people have ever been inside Licorice Castle, and especially not cops. We took a seat in his extravagantly furnished living room. That didn’t surprise me though, considering how much money the guy was making with his “business.”
“Would you like some tea?” asked Licorice.
“No thanks, I’m not in the mood. I’d rather get to the point of this meeting.”
“Ah yes, Queen Frostine.” he said. “She and I have a longer history than most think.”
“Is that so?” I replied. “Does this history involve her infidelity with the King?”
“No, not all of it.” said Licorice. “Throughout our younger years the Queen and I were always interested in each other. The King knew that, but decided to marry her anyway.”
“Is that why you and the King parted ways as business partners?”
“No. That’s a different story.” he replied. “For awhile, I was fine with their marriage together. He said he loved her, and she said she loved him. They were both happy together, so I wasn’t going to be the one to ruin it. However, a few years after they got married, the Queen came and visited me here at my castle. Needless to say, our one night stand together that day had a lasting effect. Her name was Lolly.”
I was in total shock at what Licorice had just laid out for me.
“The princess?!”
“Yes, the Princess.” he replied. “We kept that one night secret for eighteen years, but as I said earlier, shit happens and beans are eventually spilled. King Kandy was understandably furious, and we got into an argument over each other’s love for Frostine. It all went downhill from there. Me and Kandy parted ways, their marriage was on the rocks, and once Princess Lolly found out, she decided to leave the castle and become the “entertainer” she is today. Frostine grew increasingly unhappy after that, and eventually started seeing me to get what she wasn’t getting from the King. Not exactly a happy ending.”
“I guess not. But none of this really helps my investigation.”
“It should key you in on at least one thing, Gingy.”
“And what’s that?” I asked.
“That it wasn’t me.” he replied. “I loved Queen Frostine, and could never in my entire life harm her.”
“Then who did harm her?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. Why don’t you go visit her daughter?”
“Lolly? Why?”
“Because contrary to what most people in Candy Land think, she’s always had a great relationship with her mother. Despite all that’s happened to them throughout the years, the two of them always told each other everything. If anyone knows something, it’s her.”
At last, I was on the right track. Princess Lolly had to know something, and it was a visit that I’d be paying her soon enough.
“I guess I’ll be heading out then.” I said. “Thanks for the information.”
“No problem, Gingy. Just do me a favor.”
“What’s that, Licorice?”
It was then that he gave me the most serious look I’d ever seen anyone in my entire life give.
“Catch the bastard who did this to Frostine.” he said. “And make them pay.”
“I’ll do my best.”
With Licorice Castle behind me, my next stop was Lollipop Woods. Princess Lolly ran her “business” there, and it was surely where I’d find the culprit.
Six Hours After Frostine’s Body Found
Princess Lolly’s Story
Princess Lolly wasn’t exactly your typical Princess. The first 17 years of her life were fairly normal, but when she was 18 she left the castle and opened a strip joint in Lollipop Woods. Nobody ever really knew why, but according to what Licorice told me, it was the revelation that she was his daughter that sent her onto her current life path. “Suckers” was the name of her joint, and the place was always booming with business. People from all over the land would come just to see Lolly’s pops. Heck, even I’d been there before. Today, however, was an entirely different story.
When I got there, Princess Lolly was on stage doing her act. She saw me enter, and immediately bolted to me.
“Gingy!” she said as she hugged me.
Lolly and I weren’t really friends or anything, but she knew who I was. That, and she liked to hug people. As for me? I was a bit distracted by the fact that her pops were still hanging out.
“Hey Lolly.” I said. “I need to talk to you for a moment. You got the time?”
“It’s about my mother, right?”
“Yes.”
“Alright, let’s go somewhere private.”
The joint didn’t have any back rooms, so me and Lolly were forced to have our little chat in one of the rooms that they usually reserve for “private” shows. Luckily, she put some clothes on, so at least our chat could be serious.
“So Gingy, what do you need to know?”
“Everything.” I replied. “Licorice told me the whole backstory with him and Frostine. I know you’re his daughter.”
“Oh. Well, I guess that secret’s out now.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. But I need to know if your mother told you anything recently, anything that would be helpful to my investigation. Licorice said that you two were still very close, so I was hoping that you might know something.”
“Well, Licorice was right about one thing.” she said. “We were very close.”
Tears started pouring from her eyes at that point, and I held onto her for support.
“But I don’t know anything.”
“Nothing?” I asked. “You’ve got to know something.”
“I’m sorry, Gingy. I wish I did, but I haven’t talked to my mother in a few days. And the last time we did talk, she seemed perfectly fine, without a single care in the world. It’s really just made all of this a lot more difficult for me, not knowing why somebody would do it.”
At this point, I didn’t know what to think. Without her knowing anything that could help me, my investigation went back to being more difficult than I was hoping it would be. Lolly continued to cry, so I decided that it would be best for me to move on.
“Alright Lolly, sorry to have bothered you.”
“It’s okay, Gingy.” she replied. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help more. I really wish I could’ve.”
More tears came from her eyes.
“Why don’t you go home for the day, Lolly?” I advised. “You deserve some time off.”
“I can’t. This place is always packed. Besides, being at work takes my mind off of everything. It helps.”
“Okay then. You take care, kid.”
“I will. Please find whoever did it. My mother deserves at least that much.”
“Will do kiddo.”
And with that, I left “Suckers” and headed out of Lollipop Woods. Lolly knew nothing, and everyone else gave me what information they did have. My next step was obvious. It was time to visit King Kandy.
Seven Hours After Frostine’s Body Found
King Kandy’s Story
Kandy had all the motive in the world. His daughter wasn’t his, his former best friend and now enemy was the father, and his wife was sleeping around behind his back. The question was, did he know? I was ready to find out.
As I approached the front entrance, Kandy’s bodyguards were quick to stop me in my tracks. They asked the usual questions. Who was I, what was my business, and then made me show them my badge. Once that was out of the way, they led me inside to King Kandy. Kandy was much different than Licorice. Though the Lord would be seen wandering all about Candy Land, the King tended to keep to himself inside the castle. In fact, it’d been about two or three years since I’d last seen him face to face. He didn’t look much different now than he did before. Still fat, and still had a mustache. However, one thing was different. He looked sadder than I’d ever seen him in his entire life. It was then that he looked me right in the eyes and laid it out for me.
“No.” he said. “No Gingy, it wasn’t me. I know that you’ve been conducting your investigation throughout the land today, and I know that all your sources have probably led you to me. But I didn’t do it.”
This drove me nuts. I could see it in his eyes, and hear it in his voice. This man had lost someone extremely dear to him. I believed him, and went along with what he said. However, I still had to question him.
“Who, then?” I asked. “You had all the motive in the world Kandy.”
“I know.” he replied. “Everything that you’ve probably heard today, all the information you’ve recently discovered, I’ve known and dealt with for years. My backstabbing best friend, my unfaithful wife, and the daughter who isn’t mine. But you know what, they’re my family. I may not be the biological father of Lolly, but I raised her. That makes me her father. As for Frostine frolicking with Licorice, I just didn’t want to accept it. I’ve loved her as long as he has, and just like him, I could never imagine hurting her. Though this whole land has gone to shit, the people have always had the image of Queen Frostine to look up to. She was beautiful, smart, and a shining star in the minds of the citizens.”
“Now she’s dead,” I replied, “And I still have no God damn clue who did it.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Gingy.” he said.
Kandy then broke down crying. The land’s greatest crime lord, and the most feared man in all of Candy Land, reduced to a blubbering baby. His wife, the Queen, was dead. It was my duty to find out who did it, and I wouldn’t rest until I knew the answer.
“It’ll be fine, Kandy.” I replied. “I’ll find the answers that everyone’s looking for.”
Kandy looked up at me, and gave me a smile. I looked back at him, and then left Candy Castle.
My mind was totally shot at this point, and I really didn’t know what to think anymore. I decided to go back to the station to clear my mind for a bit.
Nine Hours After Frostine’s Body Found – Present Time
My Story
Now here I am, sitting in my office, thinking over all the information I’ve heard today and trying to piece it all together. Queen Frostine was a cheating whore, but everyone seemed to like her anyway. So who did it? Who killed Queen Frostine? It wasn’t Mr. Mint; he’s retired and helping his expiring mother. The Candy Trio? No, they’re a harmless comedy group. Princess Lolly? No, she’s just a friendly stripper who loved her mother. As for Lord Licorice and King Kandy, Frostine seemed to be the one thing that those two could actually agree on. They loved her, and both would never hurt her—although hurting anyone and everyone else in the land seemed to be fair game.
“So then, who did in the Queen?” I spoke aloud, looking down at my desk.
There was only one person left that I hadn’t thought to question.
“No, it couldn’t have been…”
“Me.” a soft and gentle voice spoke. “It was me.”
I look up, and there she is. Soft and gentle Gramma Nut.
“You?” I ask. “But why?”
“No reason. No excuse.” she replied. “I just…I just lost it. I live all by myself in the Peanut Brittle House, but nobody ever buys my candy products anymore. I’m so lonely out there, and my mind just wanders into oblivion. So, I just decided one day that I wanted to know what it’d be like to take a life. To have the same kind of power that Licorice and Kandy do. So I waited on the hidden trail between Lollipop Woods and Licorice Castle for a stranger to come by. Eventually, someone wearing peasant rags passed through. I figured nobody would miss a simple peasant, so I attacked her with my rolling pin until her brains oozed out onto the ground. I pulled back the veil on her face to see whom I killed, and much to my shock it was Frostine. I only wanted to kill a peasant, not the Queen. I was afraid, so I dumped her body into Peppermint Forest, hoping that sick bastard Mr. Mint would take the fall. But as we both know, he didn’t, and neither did anyone else. So now you know. And in order to keep my secret, I have to kill yet again.”
Gramma Nut lunges at me with her rolling pin, and I pull my weapon out of its holster. I fire only one round, which is enough to take down the poor old lady. My comrades on the force immediately run into my office, having heard the gunshot.
“Gramma Nut?!” yells one of them.
“She killed Frostine.” I reply. “She confessed.”
“But why?”
“No reason. No real motive. Gramma Nut simply went nuts.”
Like I said, you don’t know shit about Candy Land. The place that you think is nothing but gummy drops and lollipops is filled to the brim with crime, lies, and death. And nine hours ago, the corpse of the land’s beloved Queen was found. Worst of all, she was killed by someone that nobody would ever have suspected. Though Frostine had survived her relationship with the two worst crime runners in the whole land, in the end she was done in by a sad and lonely old woman’s rolling pin. The shining star Queen was a whore, and the sweetest old lady in the land was a cold-blooded killer. Just proves my point. Candy Land is a fucked up place.
THE END
